Life, how it has changed me

Written originally to Yogesh, "I am so engulfed in the daily routine that I have started missing myself. I want to be with myself. I sometimes feel like crying and hugging myself because I am not myself anymore. I wish to re-assure myself that everything is not lost. I am running now to find peace and happiness, I the same person who used to say be lazy and find the peace in yourself no need to go anywhere. I may not deny that I am peaceful and happy but I remember meeting you and being with you gave me a happiness that has been lost somewhere. I don’t find myself happy with anything now a day. I have convinced myself that I am better than others who are living a life running to find happiness. I am in the knowledge that happiness is a state of mind and can’t be achieved any other way. But truly being happy like I used to be when I used to take my vehicle and go to a Gurdwara just to go there on a Sunday and sit near the fields or on a tube-well. Hearing the sound of falling water used to make me one with itself. I remember one day I stopped my bike on the road to a Gurdwara and I went into the field and before I could know what was happening I was laughing like I had never laughed before, laughing like Osho used to described in his books and I laughed and laughed...and laughed...till there was peace complete peace....within myself. Then I cried and I cried and I cried like I never had cried before...peace was all that was left afterwards.. Complete peace and the sounds of a quiet Sunday noon time on the side of a small village road. I am that peaceful person. But fast forward to today and I can’t relate to that person much, like you can’t relate to me now. You feel I have changed but I have not, I have grown fungus and moss all around me but I am the same as before and I remember in vivid detail standing with you in the Pavte House balcony and discussing how an arrow that Yogesh shot almost reached the next block with that Tribal Bow of yours and how Arjun would have easily shot a few “Kos” with a much advanced and powerful Bow of ancient times. I remember more than I have seen and I have seen more than I can remember. I remember so many things from my childhood, stealing money from mother’s purse and playing video games. Mother catching me by ear and bring me back home from a video game shop. I still remember the strange smell that used to emanate from the TV video games. I can and will write a book on my life’s memoirs. I remember things very clearly those happened more than twenty years in Kashmir when I was just 4. And those are not based on someone else’s description or story but events those happened with me alone. Like a cow hitting me with her horns, my friend Yaqoob & his elder sister Salma who I had a crush on. Making candles of ice by leaving the tap open overnight and running downstairs from the first floor home to garden to break it and take it upstairs. The smell of roses..The silent falling of rain over the adjoining river and the empty ground next to our home. The dark clouds and the mountains in the distance and fading of light into night and still continuing rain which used to make me fearful. The taste of apple juice that dad used to bring from army canteen and the beautiful bottle that it came in. My playing with the eveready torch by pretending it to be a car with headlight. The earthquake that shook the building and the running down of the landlord’s daughters from upstairs. The neighbour Shashi who never kept her house clean and her bedsheets smelt of pee of her child. The daughters of my age of a Major who stayed on ground floor one of whom was very beautiful and our playing & her amusement. And I also remember going to the army theatre to watch love story the movie. I remember still the details of the movie. The song ye kahan aa gaye ham yuhin sath sath chalte has special meaning to me as I remember my days in Kashmir with this song. The quarter of the Major’s driver and the smell of incense and the pictures of Hindu Gods in his room. The winter chill I can never forget and the heater with two heating coils and my putting hair on the orange hot coil to see them burn. Oh the wonderful memories. The lovely memories I can’t share with anyone. Just being in my heart somewhere until some day I take them out dust them look at them like a moving picture and again stash them in the cherished box for future, keeping them alive forever. I will certainly start writing a book. I will start writing a letter to my father immediately because i want to say to him so many things before either of us dies. I have to find my peace with him, because I don’t want to die without telling him I love him dearly and respect him, and I don’t want him to die without him knowing that his son is not all that careless about him.Life has its own ways to making you knowledgeable. I get up early in the morning and listen to a discourse on the TV narrated by someone named Maskeen, The guy is dead but the programmes recorded earlier are being telecast every morning by the time I am ready to go to office. He is an amusing guy in his 70s. Earlier while I was in India, I did not use to like him as he used to seem very egotist. And the funny thing is that he repeats what he says. Like he says, “Vinamr hona bahut mushkil hai, bahut mushkil hai, bahut mushkil hai”. But he says sometimes some things which touch me somewhere and I have been regularly listening to him daily for half hour now. He is egotist still in the programme and in the kind of language he uses but some things that he says are correct and apt. Like what he said today was a quote from someone else, “When I asked you O’ Allah, I cannot ask anything more now from you”. One more thing he said today that Socrates said that when he was young he said to his friends ask me anything and I can tell. When he grew adult he started saying I may not know a few things. When he grew old he said I don’t know. I have a feeling of deep satisfaction all the time with me. I am less in turmoil over large and small problems of life. I have always lived life in the moment as I can’t do anything about past except learn from it and about the future as well except hope for the best and be prepared for the worst. And worst can be very bad. So present is good, enjoy the moment, live and appreciate life to the fullest that is what I believe in. This I presume is a humble way to look at life. I am not worried much about largely anything, and that I think makes me all the different from the people around me. I am not rich, not very sound financially but I am strong and determined to succeed in life. And this success is material success that I am talking about. There is nothing I am able to do about the spiritual progress and the satiation of my soul. I have become a toy of the material aspect of my life".

My Yogi

I want to dedicate this to my friend Yogesh Gupta, who is a close friend and has been in my heart for many years now. We met about 15 years back and grew close because of common interests of music, meditation and most important the mystique that intrigued both of us. We experimented with meditation and with music. Reading Osho books and trying out mediation techniques. Yogesh plays wonderful guitar and he used to make compositions and he used to play them. I remember we used to discuss what the composition brings to mind, like a road in the middle of a desert or a tunnel with a hint of light at the other end. We smoked together cigarettes in Punjab Agriculture University Campus and discussed wonderful aspects of life on beautiful summer days. The summer clouds still bring those memories back to me like those were just moments we spent a few days back. We are in touch now as well and write to each other about the experiences of life to each other. We still love the person inside us who is free, carefree, vibrant, aware, awake, simple, clear, unblemished, on a path towards the unknown and an enquisitive human being. I love my dear friend Yogesh and I respect the hint of God he has in him.

The issue of Health awareness

I have come across a problem recently and have been completely caught unaware about it. My wife was not well and when we went to visit the doctor we were told that she is diabetic. Both of us were sad and shocked to hear the confirmation after complete diagnosis. But soon we realised that being worried about the problem shall not be any solution and we have to take precautionary measures to control the problem as best we can. So we charted out a diet schedule and cut out completely on the un-necessary fizzy drinks, juices & sweets. We shifted from wheat flour to health mix flour made from pulses and whole grains. Full cream milk gave way to low fat and same way for yogurt. Junk food was completely crossed out and the once a week fast food joint visit now is once a month or less. We have got the blood test conducted recently after two weeks of medicine and diet control and to our surprise the results are very positive. The value from 13.6 has come down to 9.7 much closer to the allowed limit of 6. This has happened through our mutual support and understanding and most importantly the Love and affection for the loved one. These kind of problems may arise in our lives and have to be encountered with courage and support. I have found the courage in my life partner and I am here with all my support for her.